Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
