we have pet lesbian snakes
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
