saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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