are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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