3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
