Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
