just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
