I'm eating all of the evidence.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
