she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
