Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
