we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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