i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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