My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
