You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
