she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
