I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
