call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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