just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
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