I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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