i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
