If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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