If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
