there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
