bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
