You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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