How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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