I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
