is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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