I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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