all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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