ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
