Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
