I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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