i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Michael Bay diarrhea
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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