Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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