Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
