They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
