dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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