Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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