I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
