Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
