Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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