My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
