I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
