Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
