It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
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I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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