if you like me you must not know who I am
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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