I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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