i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
