I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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