Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
