found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
