Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
