i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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