hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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