i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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