A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dignity is for republicans.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
